From the Archives: Gladiator Attacked By Emperor For Public Protest
- Tim Cusack
- Sep 30, 2017
- 4 min read
Idus Septembres, 834 years from the founding of the City of Rome - Disturbing reports concerning the refusal of a few rogue gladiatorial slaves to fulfill the terms of their contracts are emerging from the opening games marking the consecration of the newly constructed Amphitheatrum Flavium on the eastern edge of the Roman Forum.
Erected by the Emperor Titus to commemorate his decisive victory during the Great Jewish Revolt and funded by the spoils of war rightfully claimed by his legions after the Siege of Jerusalem, the structure is believed to be the largest of its kind ever constructed. (So impressive is the building and its neighboring statue of Helios Colossus—originally a likeness of the now-deceased and much unlamented Emperor Nero—that it is quickly acquiring the nickname “Colosseum” among some of our wittier citizens.)
However, the actions of a small band of malcontents is threatening to upend the festive enjoyment of those attending the ceremonies and disrupt the ritual bloodletting promised to the household gods of the Flavian family, sponsors of the 100-day entertainment.
The origins of the disruption can be traced to one particular Hebrew captive, Simon of Joppa, who began his “protest” both by refusing to pledge his life to the emperor during the traditional opening procession and by refraining from participating in the hymn of praise to the Roman gods ritually mandated by the governing priesthood. Eyewitness accounts of the events also claim that the slave stepped forward and unbidden began to deliver an oration condemning Roman “war crimes” allegedly committed against his people during the Palestine campaign, including rape, infanticide, and mass crucifixions.
According to the same eyewitnesses, the man then declared that he was experiencing “psychological trauma” by being “forced to compete to the cheers of thousands in an arena that has been built upon the dead bodies of my family, friends, and countrymen.” If true, this histrionic display would represent a shockingly unprecedented violation of circus protocol and could be perceived as a direct insult to the glory of the emperor and his legionnaires.
Based on reports of the emperor’s response to the disruption, it would appear that he is indeed treating this as an affront to his sacred personage. Upon hearing the slave’s tirade, Titus reportedly began shouting, “I will sodomize you and face-f--k you, you piece of s--t” adding “You’ll wish that Aramaic whore had never shoved you out of her vagina, you dickless Hebe, when I’m through with you.”
After hastily leaving the festivities trailed by the entire imperial entourage, within hours Titus had three stone tablets with the following statement erected at each crossroads throughout the city:
Don’t tell me this slave wants widespread chaos along the Eastern Mediterranean? Not smart. Very bad situation there. Herod was a loser.
So a few isolated bad apples were overeager to exercise their prerogative as conquerors? Very, very bad to show disrespect to our troops!
Are the gladiator school owners afraid of their own fighters? Owners MUST do something to stop this rebellion and Keep Rome Great. #KRG
One centurion from the Sixteenth Legion expressed his personal frustration with the protests, “If I actually had feelings, they would be deeply hurt. I can’t help but think of all those noble Roman boys who gave their lives in that sand trap so that this circumcised a--hole could spit in the face of the magnificence that is Rome. We should have skewered him on the battlefield when we had the chance.”
Legal experts point out that agents of the gladiatorial school purchased Simon following the destruction of the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, therefore sparing him immediate execution. As a result, the school is lawfully well within its rights to liquidate him for failure to fulfill the terms of his indenture. The same experts add, however, that feeding, housing, and training an athlete in combat sports entails a substantial monetary investment on the part of shareholders and that killing him outright would represent a potential loss of around two hundred denarii.
They also expressed puzzlement as to why the man would risk the potential emancipation and full Roman citizenship that would be his if he were to manage to survive for the length of his obligatory time. One exasperated lawyer we contacted said, “If the guy wants to commit career suicide—and I mean that literally—I guess that’s his business. I just don’t understand why he’s being so damn public about it.”
Industry insiders have suggested that the entire incident may have been staged to increase public interest in a little-known gladiator who had previously only proven victorious on the Asia Minor circuit. As a trainer for a rival school put it, “This is the oldest trick in the book. Cook up a controversy so that the betting houses take an interest in a schmuck from nowheresville.” And indeed reports from the gambling dens surrounding the amphitheater show that a significant number of wagers are being placed on whether or not Simon will actually compete and, assuming he does, if, when, and how he will be slaughtered. Bets are also being taken as to how long his compatriots will remain alongside him in refusing to participate or if they will succumb to pressure and end the protest.
Meanwhile, the Roman populace clamors for its promised sporting diversions free of political diversion. The entire city awaits what, if any action, Titus will take to quell this defiance. Will he show clemency to the rabble-rouser as a display of imperial mercy, potentially winning him praise from those sympathetic to the man’s cause? Or will the emperor’s desire for revenge trump his need to be adored? Place your bets.